


Morgoth's Notebook

by Arandil



Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-29
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2018-01-06 15:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1108416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arandil/pseuds/Arandil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Found in the ruins of what was once Angband. The original Dark Lord had quite the knack for badfic writing (and apparently a little "thing" for Fëanor). This is his notebook of ideas. Read at your own risk. Transcribed by Arandil for the HASA Challenge: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Winner: "The Merry and Pippin Award (Humor 2nd Place)" MEFA 2005</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Quest of the Simaril

_So many ideas – so little time to write stories - between the torture and this stupid siege and admiring my Simarils._ _So I decided to write them down. This is my first idea and it is a good one._

**The Quest of the Simaril  
** **by** **Morgoth Bauglir**

Fëanor returns from Mandos to claim the Simarils he still foolishly believes to be his. He fights his way across the countryside to Argbund, a magnificent fortress where the genius and powerful Margath – a misunderstood lord – is currently living. Margath is not his real name, however, but an affectionate nickname given to him by Fëanor. His real name is Malkor. There is no other dark lord quite as powerful and good looking, and his power and good looks are only rivaled by Fëanor, the spirit of fire. (A/N: Ooh..I just got chills). Anyway, when Fëanor arrives at Argbund, he is captured and brought before Margath, who spares his life. Fëanor demands the Simarils but Margath doesn't give him the Simarils, but Fëanor spends the night, and much to Margoth's dismay, nothing happens, even though they drink lots of the famed brew of Argbund. The next day they wake up and my Simarils are gone. Margoth blames Fëanor, but Fëanor points out, wisely, that if he had taken the Simarils, he would be long gone too.

Margoth and Fëanor decide to go in search of the Simarils together. Many things happen along the way. Some possibilities:

\- Fëanor is caught bathing in a stream by Margoth.  
\- Fëanor is injured and Margath nurses him back to health  
\- They have tea with Glaurung

Along the way they realize that a deep respect and affection is growing between them. Both try to fight it, which causes lots of tension and angst. Big fight scene here. They aren't speaking. Maybe this is where Fëanor gets hurt and then Morgoth can help him or something. Lots of tension until they kiss. Big love scene.

The next morning they are both feeling uncomfortable, but Simaril forgotton, they head back to Argbund. They kill Sauron there in a _very_ unfortunate accident involving mistaken identity. Once there, Fëanor professes his love for Margath and they have the first cross-racial marriage in Arda. Shortly after (epilogue maybe?) they find the Simarils there in Angband with a note from Sauron. He had hidden them in an attempt to get the two together. Nobody mourns his death anyway.

The End.


	2. Sauron's Downfall

_So, a few of the Orcs got their hands on my notebook, and I just wanted to write down FOR THE RECORD that last story idea was NOT a self-insert. My name is "Morgoth" – the character was "Margath" – different! Plus, I live in Angband, not Argbund. Plus, I would NEVER have anything to do with that arrogant, self-righteous, stuck-up, Noldorin prince that calls himself Feanor. Never. I would, however, kill Sauron. But still, that doesn't make it a self-insert._

_Anyway, they gave me a few samples of stories, so now I have a better idea of how to write this stuff. I think I am growing as a writer. I had this idea while torturing our latest captive. I had to write it down so I wasn't distracted during my daily torture sessions._

**Sauron's** **Downfall  
** **by** **Morgoth Bauglir**

A beautiful elf maiden falls into Sauron's incapable and dim-witted hands. Not knowing what to do with her, he puts her in the dungeon, but the bleakness of his horrid stench-filled dungeon only serves to magnify her beauty. Sauron quickly becomes smitten with the beautiful elf girl, whose name is Lirinen. She has emerald green eyes and deep chestnut hair.

Sauron tells the girl of his feelings, but she, of course, wants nothing to do with him, since he is ugly and vile. She tells him that she would rather marry all the orcs than spend another minute with him. Dejected, Sauron goes and cries in his room, like the little baby that he is.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Sauron, Lirinen's father Feanor (yes, _that_ Feanor), comes to Angband to look for her. (He somehow escapes Mandos). He finds her, and she tells him about Sauron having a crush on her. Rather than rescue her, Feanor decides to have a little fun, and replaces Sauron's shampoo with purple hair dye. (Not that the stinky wretch ever takes a shower). That night just happened to be the one day a year that Sauron decided to take a shower, and his hair turns purple. He catches Feanor, and ties him up next to his daughter.

They stay there for a few days, but Sauron, being a nitwit, leaves the keys to the dungeon _in_ the dungeon after getting very drunk. (A/N: Angband's brew kicks ass!) Feanor is able to escape, and he brings his daughter with him. They run from Angband, but get caught by Glaurung, who falls madly in love with Lirinen because she is just so beautiful. He spares Feanor's life, since he's in love with his daughter, and they stay and live with Glaurung for a little while, until Sauron figures out where they are.

Sauron unwisely decides to try and rescue his love, and goes after Lirinen. Glaurung breathes fire on him, until he is burnt to a crisp and then Feanor digs a hole and buries him. Nobody misses him, not even the orcs.

Eventually, it is time for Feanor to go home, but he decides to go and live in Angband to be close to his daughter.

The End.

_There. I'm not anywhere in the story at all._


	3. For the Love of Aegnor

  _I'm not sure who, I think it was that louse Sauron, apparently got a hold of this notebook and forwarded copies of my two story ideas to none other than Fëanor. It seems the haughty elf did not like my writing because I received a rather nasty telegram this afternoon:_

  
_To the bumbling dark lord and temporary caretaker of my Simarils:_  
 _If you include my name in any more of your pathetically inept story ideas,_  
 _you_ _will be hearing from my lawyer and I will own your pitiful little fortress._  
 _Cheers,  
_ _Fëanor_

_So I will no longer include Fëanor in my stories. Incidentally, (and in no way related), I have created an original male character (OMC) whose name is Aegnor which means Fell-Fire. Aegnor is a Noldorin elf from a dysfunctional family. His mother was such a crybaby, and Aegnor was such a horrid child, that she died. His father married someone else and had other sons that he loved better. Yes, that's right – he loved them BETTER. Because of this, Aegnor became a psychotic raving head case, and ran around killing anything that moved. My stories will now have Aegnor in them._

_If Aegnor happens to in any way resemble any living or DEAD Noldorin head case, it will not stand up in a court of law._

**For the Love of Aegnor  
** **by** **Morgoth Bauglir**

Since Aegnor is an OMC, the first chapter will be his back story. After that, this story will be an action-adventure with a little romance mixed in.

The second chapter will be about Sauron. In this story, our dear, beloved Sauron has decided in his _infinite_ wisdom to create a necklace with an amulet and put all of his power into this necklace. Yes, he puts it into a necklace because that's just the kind of pansy thing that Sauron would do. Aegnor comes along and steals the necklace, wanting Sauron's power (because we all know how _powerful_ Sauron is).

Anyway, once Aegnor has stolen the necklace and run far, far away, Sauron is no longer able to sustain his physical form, since all his power is in the amulet. He becomes an evil mist, and irritates just about everybody in Angband, including the orcs. Even though this solved the problem of having to see him, smell him and hear him whine about anything and everything, Aegnor decides that the amulet must be destroyed, to rid the world of Sauron forever.

He knows he cannot do it alone, so he gets together a bunch of his friends who have to bring the amulet back to Angband to destroy it. They believe this is an impossible task, but they set out anyway. Just to make sure nobody thinks it's _too_ easy, I'll kill off one of his friends needlessly.

When they get to Angband, they are aided by the Dark Lord there, since nobody really likes Sauron anyway. The Dark Lord helps Aegnor destroy the amulet, and Aegnor falls in love with the Dark Lord in the process, because of all his help and because he is breathtaking and amazing.

_I know this one is a bit far fetched. Seriously, even Sauron is not stupid enough to put all his power into a piece of jewelry._


	4. Brightest Flame

_Finally, some time to breathe. It's been a couple of hundred years since I've been able to sit down and update this notebook. First I had to rein fire down upon everyone so that they would all just leave me alone. (The only good thing that year was being able to slay Fëanor's half brother.) Then Sauron had to go invade Minas Tirith, taking half my orcs with him. And then there was that pesky law suit. It's been rough. But now I have some peace and quiet, I can jot down some more story ideas._

_Apparently there is this place – I don't entirely understand this – but it is a place that girls can fall out of and end up in our world. When this happens, people get all bent out of shape about it. Personally, I think it's brilliant._

**Brightest Flame  
** **by** **Morgoth Bauglir**

Alcarinque was a normal girl from the Other Place, but she was hiding a terrible secret. When she was only 15, she was abused by a man wearing a hideous mask. She found herself with child and carried to term. Shortly after the child was born – a son – the hideously masked man returned, stole the child, and she never saw either of them again. Now Alcarindque is 30 and her life is about to change. What she didn't know was that man was not wearing a mask, but he was an orc and her child was prophesized about long ago as the only living being that could rid the world of the repulsiveness of Sauron.

Chapter two – one morning Alcarinque wakes up and she doesn't recognize where she is. She is in Arda. She is found by a nice farming family. They are attacked by evil elves, most likely Fëanorians. The elves kill all the nice farmer people and take Alcarinque as their slave. She meets a young 15 year old boy named Avathar who is also a slave of the elves. He is not an elf, but a man. They become close and have a real connection. She feels as if she knows him, but that is impossible because this is not her world.

He tells her about his father, who the elves stole him from. While he is telling her, she has horrible flashbacks to the man in the mask. She realizes that this is her son, but how can she tell him that?

While they are being slaves, they are captured and brought to Angband, but nobody wants to harm them, since they were slaves of the Fëanorians, and nobody wants to anger a Fëanorian, especially the orcs. So they treat them well, but the two yearn for freedom.

The elves, missing their slaves and not wanting to do any work on their own, summon their leader Fëanor. They break him out of Mandos, sending him to rescue their two slaves. Fëanor falls madly in love with Alcarinque and she loves him too, fooled as we all are by his powerful masculinity and his undeniable charisma. There is a graphic love scene and he decides that he wants to be a mortal man and not an elf so that he can be with her. The Valar for once get off their lazy bums and do something, granting him his wish. As soon as he is mortal, all the orcs descend on him and kill him, and now not even his stupid over-priced lawyer can help him. And no, my dear Fëanor, you're not going back to Mandos – you're a mortal now. You can't ever come back. Go ahead and try to sue me again.

Anyway, meanwhile, Avathar has bonded with the orcs and they look to him as a leader. Alcarinque realizes that his father was not a man in a mask, but an orc, and firing a shot from her bow, she tries to kill one of the orcs. She misses and it hits Sauron instead, killing him instantly and yet painfully.

Avathar, not realizing that Alcarinque is his mother, orders her death. As she is dying she reveals her identity to him. He is sorry for killing her, but she is not, because now she can go be happy with Fëanor wherever it is that mortals go when they die. Avathar, being half orc, chooses to be immortal so he never has to see his mother with that arrogant Fëanor. He takes Sauron's place and everyone likes him better anyway.

The End.


	5. Ring Wars

_I am never complaining again. I complained about not having any time and about the Valar never doing anything and look what happens. They get all up in my face and banish me to the Void where I now have all eternity to do whatever I want. And the worst part of the whole thing is they took my Simarils!_

_So I spent most of this Age sulking. Well, sulking and shaking my head at the idiocy of certain others who are now nancing around, calling themselves the "Dark Lord." Dark Lord indeed – if by dark you mean dim and by lord you mean witted. It seems I was wrong. Sauron **was** stupid enough to put all his power into a piece of jewelry. And then, if that wasn't bad enough, he started giving out rings to elves, dwarves and men, trying to buy peoples' friendship. He is honestly a disgrace to evildoers everywhere._

_I managed to get out of my funk after Sauron, finally managing to do something right, convinced the_ _Númenoreans to sail against the Valar, bringing about the downfall of their little island. I also found out that the Valar did NOT give the Simarils back to you-know-who, as I had originally suspected. I got some satisfaction out of that; at least if I didn't have them, he didn't either._

_It was also around that time that I grudgingly came to admit that it's not all bad here in the Void. I've been stealing cable for an age and there is nobody here to stop me. I saw a wonderful movie called The Last Unicorn. The Red Bull brought a tear to my eye – it reminded me of Gothmog – I miss that rascal. But it gave me the greatest idea – this similarity between this world and the movie – what if people from the Movie World ended up in the Real World. I wasn't inspired to write this about The Last Unicorn, but there is this cute little flick Star Wars that was just begging to come into the Real World. Plus, Sauron, in all his infinite wisdom, has decided to launch yet another attack on Gondor and we all know how well the last one worked out. I don't want to watch so I'm writing down more story ideas._

_Go ahead and try to sue me, you deranged Noldorin psychopath. I have nothing. Besides, I have better elves to write about now!_

**Ring Wars  
** **by** **Morgoth Bauglir**

There was a beautiful princess named Leia who needed to marry a prince. She fell in love with a pirate, but that would not do, even though he was ruggedly handsome. She made a wish one night that she would fall out of love with Han and fall in love with a prince, she didn't care who.

In the second chapter, we meet Elrond, a stuffy half-elf, and his friend Thranduil, prince of Greenwood, who is only slightly less psychotic than the-elf-who-shall-not-be-named-due-to-legal-reasons. Thranduil is visiting Elrond in his Homely Home, or whatever asinine name he is calling it these days, when a strange but beautiful girl named Leia appears with her white-haired friend, Winter. Thranduil takes one look at Leia and falls madly in love, but Leia can only fall in love with a prince. She doesn't tell him this, so he never tells her he the prince of Greenwood.

Meanwhile, Han and Chewbacca, following the trail of the princess, end up in Sauron's pit of vile, Mordor. Sauron falls madly in love with Chewie, tries to make a move on him, and gets horribly mauled and disfigured, eventually dying from the wounds. Nobody cares, or even really notices, not even the orcs.

Back in Homely Home, Leia is fighting her feelings for Thranduil, who has taken to writing bad love poetry. Then Leia has a dream about an elf with a fiery spirit and a bad temper and realizes he is a prince, and goes off to find him. Little did she know, the dream was of an elf who was DEAD and LONG FORGOTTEN. And even though he was a prince at one time, he lost his prince-ness because of his numerous psychotic episodes.

Anyway, Thranduil goes with Leia to protect her and try to win her over. They stop at an elf village and both drink too much. (A/N: Not _my_ brew, but it suffices). All the tension in the air is very apparent and angst-y. Eventually, after enough drinking, they have a wild, torrid affair that will bring the rating of the story up to at least R, if not NC-17. The next morning she tells him she's sorry but it was a mistake and she can't be with him, even though he is the most beautiful elf she has ever laid eyes on, with his stunningly piercing blue-grey eyes and his flowing flaxen hair that must be so very soft to run your fingers through as you…

Ahem. Leia was telling him that although the night before was amazing, and his whip cord strength beneath tight lean muscles drives her insane. The way his eyes flash while they…

(A/N: I'll have to work those parts out a bit later.) They move on, Leia never telling him that the reason she can't be with him is that she needs to marry a prince since she is a princess. Thranduil is upset and goes back to Greenwood. Leia realizes that she's in love with him once he's gone, but doesn't know where he lives, so she goes back to find Elrond. Elrond tells her that Thranduil _is_ a prince, and she goes to Greenwood, where they get married.

Han ends up with Galadriel, after killing that sissy Celeborn. Chewie is emotionally scarred from his run-in with Sauron (A/N: Who wouldn't be?) and chooses to remain single. Winter stays on at Homely Home with Elrond where they have five children.


	6. Sauron's Downfall Part II: The Spawn of Sauron

_Who knew they delivered mail here, in the Void? I certainly did not. But apparently they do, because I received three letters – one with a postmark from_ _Greenwood_ _, one from Mordor AND one from Mandos. (Gee – I wonder who **that** one is from.) The only thing I don't understand is how they knew... Who here could have sent them copies of these story ideas?_

_Anyhow, after I get this story idea written down, the letters should make for interesting reading while I'm laughing at Sauron. He's really done it this time. I knew the attack on Gondor was a bad idea. All the self-righteous elves AND men of Middle Earth – who apparently have nothing better to do with their lives – have finally decided to fight back. They currently have his pathetic little fortress under siege. This should be good._

_Don't drop your precious little ring, Sauron. You know the one you so **cleverly** tied all your power to... _

**Sauron's** **Downfall Part II: The Spawn of Sauron  
** **by** **Morgoth Bauglir**

Sauron has a daughter named Melliel. The story will not get into how or with whom, because that is just too disgusting to even think about. This daughter has beautiful red hair and striking green eyes. She obviously gets her looks from her mother because she is beautiful.

On her eleventh birthday, she receives a letter from a place called Hogwarts that Sauron has never heard of. He tries to destroy the letter, but since it has old magic, he is destroyed. The orcs throw a party.

Melliel goes to Hogwarts where she becomes friends with Hermione and Ron. Harry, however, wants nothing to do with her. She can't understand why, since his two best friends are friends with her. She gets sorted into Slytherin, which is the house that is the rivals of the house that Harry & Friends are in.

Harry feels all alone because everyone thinks he is the one killing everyone. Melliel goes and comforts him, because she knows what it is like to feel alone, being the daughter of the least well-liked villain of all time. They bond and are almost about to kiss when Ron bursts in. Harry and Ron go to confront the giant snake that is _really_ killing everyone and Melliel is very upset because she fears she will never see Harry again, who she has fallen in love with.

They return, triumphant, and Harry realizes that the reason he wouldn't talk to Melliel is because he was in love with her too, but she can't stay there, so he comes back to Mordor with her, and they get married and rule Middle Earth, destroying the Valar and freeing everybody from the Void who is in there.

The End.

_I'm watching Harry Potter: Chamber of Secrets on HBO, which is where I got the inspiration for this story. It is **far** more interesting than watching a whole bunch of men and elves standing around staring at that black spike Sauron has the gall to call a fortress._


	7. Shadow of the Past

_First letter – Oropher blathering on about his son being a warrior and not a lust object – oh look, he's dead now…pity…tore the letter up._

_Second letter – Sauron blathering on about who knows what (I can't honestly say that I read it) – oh look, he's dead now…pity…tore the letter up._

_One letter left to open and read. I'm honestly touched that he continues to write. It's so nice to be thought of while I'm out here in the Void. In honor of his oh-so-kindness, and in honor of the fact that Sauron and his ring-junkie minions finally got what they had coming to them, I have a new story idea:_

**Shadow of the Past  
by Morgoth Bauglir**

Story is set in the very beginning of this new Age. (I don't even have to kill Sauron off in this one – he's already dead!). Thranduil has returned to Greenwood, but has not taken up the throne, because prince sounds so much ~~hotter~~ better than king. So Prince Thranduil is mourning the death of his father when he meets a strange elf.

Aegnor comes across Thranduil sitting in a clearing, his shining golden hair cascading down his shoulders and hiding his face. Aegnor calls out to him and Thranduil looks up and when he does Aegnor is struck by how beautiful his face is, even though it is suffused with grief. Thranduil notices Aegnor's good looks as well, but also realizes immediately that this elf is slightly deranged, from the psychotic fire burning in his eyes.

Thranduil asks what one of the Noldor is doing in his wood, and Aegnor tells him that he has just returned from Mandos, where he has spent the last two ages. He sympathizes with Thranduil, since his father was killed too. ~~The only difference is, when Thranduil's mother died, Thranduil's father didn't run out and bed the next elleth to come along.~~

~~The only difference is, Thranduil's father didn't have it coming to him.~~

~~The only difference is, when Oropher died, Thranduil didn't lose his marbles, swear revenge, and take some stupid oath.~~

(Note: figure out some minor difference that will not get you sued.)

Thranduil is struck with how similar he and Aegnor are. Aegnor is struck by how very attracted he is to Thranduil, and who can blame him. Thranduil is looking for comfort, and although under normal circumstances this would not happen, he finds it in Aegnor. They have a wild affair, which allows Thranduil to forget about all his problems. But once he comes to terms with his grief, Thranduil realizes what he has done, and tells Aegnor to leave Greenwood immediately, since Thranduil can't stand to be around him any more.

Since Aegnor is such a head case, he kills himself over this. Thranduil realizes that he loves Aegnor, and goes and marries his niece, Galadriel after killing off Celeborn. They become King and Queen of Greenwood and have a son who is even more beautiful than Thranduil. They name him Lasgalen, which means green leaf; because that's the idiotic kind of name wood-elves seem to give their kids.

Aegnor ends up in the Void and not Mandos because he killed himself. There he meets his soul mate and lives happily ever after.


	8. Forever Greenwood

_It's been a bad thousand years._

_First of all...that third letter was NOT from Fëanor, but from Glorfindel, ranting on and on about not calling Imladris "Homely Home" and blah blah blah whineycakes._

_Then that bully Manwë shuts off my cable, so now my only entertainment is watching what is going on in Arda. What a borefest. I hate to admit it, but when Sauron was bumbling around it was at least humorous._

_It only just started to get interesting 50 or so years ago, when those Istari appeared. I should have been keeping a closer eye on the Valar. They're up to something and I hate being out of the loop. Then somehow Sauron managed to return. I know, I don't get it either. Of course those fools down there have no idea it's him, and are calling him the Necromancer. I suppose that's a fancy word for idiot-who-cant-find-his-jewelry. And then they go rename the forest because of him._

_So this story is written in protest, because I will NEVER call it Mirkwood. Sauron does not deserve that much respect._

**Forever Greenwood  
by Morgoth Bauglir**

One day in GREENWOOD, the King of GREENWOOD was walking along, admiring the trees of GREENWOOD. He turned to his wife, the Queen of GREENWOOD and said, "Isn't GREENWOOD lovely this time of year?"

She turned back to him and said, "Yes, your royal hotness, GREENWOOD certainly is lovely this time of year. But aren't you worried at all about the fact that in GREENWOOD there appears to be a teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy, not-at-all-scary shadow?"

Thranduil, the King of GREENWOOD turned to his wife, the lovely Queen of GREENWOOD and answered. "No, my dear Queen of GREENWOOD. I'm not worried. It's probably just that pansy Sauron trying to find his pansy ring, and he for some reason thinks it's in GREENWOOD."

Then all the elves of GREENWOOD came out to have a party in honor of GREENWOOD because GREENWOOD was such a wonderful forest. They drank their wine of GREENWOOD and ate their food of GREENWOOD because that's where they lived – in GREENWOOD.

One day, a man came to GREENWOOD and asked an elf of GREENWOOD, "My dear elf of GREENWOOD, what is the name of this fine GREENWOOD forest?"

The elf answered, "This forest was called GREENWOOD, is called GREENWOOD, and always will be called GREENWOOD, because that is its name. GREENWOOD. Its name is GREENWOOD. Let me tell you one more time. GREEN. WOOD. GREENWOOD."

The man said "Thank you, fine elf of GREENWOOD, the forest that will always be known as GREENWOOD."

And the elf said, "You're welcome." Because that's what elves of GREENWOOD do.

The End.


	9. Mirkwood

_I sent a letter to Thranduil. I expressed my support of his wish to keep his forest named "_ _Greenwood_ _." Strangely enough, I got it back marked, "Return To Sender." So I checked the address and sent it again – same thing. Finally, after the third try I got a telegram from him, demanding that I don't contact him again. Demanding! Listen buddy, maybe you can boss those wood elves around, but I don't need to take that from you._

_I may have suggested to Sauron that it would be a good idea to station a few Nazgûl in Dol Guldur, and to periodically launch attacks on the Wood Elves._

_Yeah, that's right Elf King. You messed with the wrong Dark Lord._

**Mirkwood  
by Morgoth Bauglir**

There was a king of Mirkwood, the forest FORMERLY known as Greenwood, before it became a slum, who was a complete ass. One day a beautiful girl named Laurenniel ended up in Mirkwood, and was taken before the king. While she was there, she met the king's son whose name was Legolas which means – wait for it – green leaf. How very _surprising_ …

Anyway, Legolas took one look at the girl with her stunning blond hair and flashing cobalt eyes and fell instantly in love with her. The girl fell instantly in love with him too, because although he was not as gorgeous as his father, she was human and stupid and thought all elves were gorgeous. Plus, he was much less of an ass than his father.

But Thranduil, being an ass, didn't want the two of them to be together. He decided that she would have to live for a month on her own in Mirkwood in order to win the prince's hand. Since she was so in love with him, she agreed. She packed her stuff and set out.

She made friends with the spiders and squirrels and butterflies, because no matter how vile and evil they were, they all fell in love with her. Meanwhile, Thranduil was too much of a pansy to defend his realm, so he cut a deal with Sauron (who he was calling Mr. Necromancer) to capture Laurenniel and kill her and make it look like an accident. Legolas overheard this and went to rescue her but it was too late. She was already captured.

He followed her down to Dol Guldur and risking his own life, rescued Laurenniel from the vile clutches of Sauron. Being too young to recognize Sauron for the pansy he is, Legolas fled with the girl. Since it had been a month and she was still alive, according to Thranduil, they could get married. Laurenniel said she couldn't marry him as long as Thranduil was alive, since he had set up her capture. So they went back to the realm and Legolas killed his father since he was an ass anyway.

A few weeks later, King Legolas received an anonymous letter from the Void describing exactly how to get Sauron out of his kingdom in a way that would be the most embarrassing to the pansy dark lord. King Legolas followed the beautifully planned out instructions and became the most beloved Elvenking ever, because he knew better than to piss me off.

The End.


	10. The Perfect Match

_I know where your ring is…I know where your ring is…I'm not gonna tell you…I'm not gonna tell you…Nyah nyah…_

**The Perfect Match  
by Morgoth Bauglir**

Stuffy Elrond has a daughter named Arwen and two sons named Elladan and Elrohir. Arwen is beautiful and Elladan and Elrohir are pranksters. The first chapter will have them pulling a prank on Arwen. Maybe they can dye her hair purple and then she'll go to Elrond and he'll be all stuffy.

Please note: I did _not_ say they lived in Homely Home.

Anyway, Thranduil has a son named Legolas. Arwen is a princess and Legolas is a prince so their two fathers who are friends decide it would be a wonderful idea to get these two together and arrange a meeting between them.

Thranduil, Legolas and 5 barrels of wine travel to Homely Home, where they are greeted by Elrond and Arwen. The two fathers try to introduce the two, but Elladan and Elrohir swoop down and scurry off with Legolas to "save him." (They know about the set-up plan.) They tell Legolas about the plan, and he does not want to be set up with Arwen.

Elrond tells Arwen that she is going to marry Legolas whether she likes it or not. She does not like it. She runs away and is captured by orcs. Legolas, Elladan and Elrohir go to rescue her, but Legolas is captured by orcs and the sons of Elrond are injured and left for dead. A scout comes and finds them and brings them back to Homely Home where they slowly recover, but they are not able to talk, so nobody knows what happened to Legolas. Thranduil gets quietly drunk.

Meanwhile, Legolas and Arwen are put in a cave together because they are both captives. They argue and fight, Legolas annoyed that Arwen ran away – "because _this_ is so much better than marrying me!" And it's because of her that he got captured, and she says it's because he's a pansy that he got captured, so they fight. A lot. Right in the middle of their yelling, Legolas grabs her and kisses her, being the first elf to effectively shut her up.

They sit and look at each other, neither knowing what to do and both startled by what they are feeling when the orcs come in and there is a long drawn out torture scene. Arwen is struck by how well Legolas takes it, but she will not admit it to him. Legolas is touched by how easily Arwen breaks under the pressure, but he will not admit his growing desire to comfort and protect her. After the orcs are done, in a weak moment she turns to him and he holds her frail weeping form. He decides then and there that he is going to execute their escape.

Back at Homely Home, the sons of Elrond are getting back to their normal selves, but don't feel like pulling pranks because they are worried about their friend and their sister. They tell Elrond and Thranduil that Legolas was captured and the two fathers feel terrible and begin to plan another rescue attempt. It is not necessary because Legolas has escaped with Arwen and although they are in terrible shape, they managed to get back to Homely Home. They recover and a party is thrown and Thranduil is so happy he drinks an entire barrel of wine himself.

During the party, Legolas and Arwen shy to the corners and are uncomfortable. Arwen thanks him tentatively for rescuing her, and Legolas tries not to blush. They are very obviously in love with each other, but won't admit it. The fathers find them and think they are uncomfortable because they don't want to get married. They realize that it was their imposed marriage that started the whole thing and tell the two young elves that they decided they don't have to get married. Instead of the happy reaction they expected, Arwen runs to her room crying and Legolas storms out of the hall. The fathers chalk it up to stress.

Legolas and Thranduil are about to leave and Arwen doesn't even come out to say goodbye. That clearly upsets Legolas. Elladan and Elrohir, being the only elves with any sense in the whole place, realize what is going on. Their sister would never be that rude for no reason, and Legolas would never be that much of a pansy to let something like that bother him. They hide the Mirkwood horses so the King and Prince have to stay a while longer. Elladan pulls Legolas aside and tells him that Arwen admitted last night that she was in love with him. Elrohir goes and finds Arwen and tells her that the Mirkwood Prince will not leave without professing his love to her.

Arwen and Legolas both realize their feelings and tell the fathers that they want to get married because they are in love with each other.

The End.


	11. Unusual Circumstances

  _It is over. Sauron is done, finished, caput, goodbye! And yet, all is not right with the world. Apparently everybody's favorite Noldorin crackpot wrote a letter to the ill-tempered pretty boy Elf King of Mirkwood, informing him of a certain law suit and urging him to do likewise. So of course, not thinking for himself as usual, Thranduil sent me a telegram:_

  
_I understand that there have been legal ramifications in the past for your slanderous story ideas._   
_Say what you will about me, but if you put my son in ONE MORE unscrupulous, distasteful,_   
_contemptible situation, you will pay dearly._   
_Regards,_   
_Thranduil Oropherion_   
_King of Greenwood_   


_Pay dearly? Oh Elf King, have you asked for it this time…_

**Unusual Circumstances  
by Morgoth Bauglir**

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli go into the Other Place and meet a girl, named Linde. She immediately falls in love with Legolas, although she tries to fight it. He is attracted to her too, but he tries to fight it too, since he believes her to be Aragorn's long lost daughter, and a mortal. Every time they are together they get in a fight.

Finally they are overcome with desire, and Legolas passionately kisses her in her house. He stops himself and Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli go back to Middle Earth. Linde is very upset, but she ends up in Middle Earth and is found by elves who bring her to Rivendell. Elrond tells her that she is Aragorn's daughter. She turns out to be his great-granddaughter. She meets a messenger from Rohan, who tells her that Aragorn and Gimli are very happy that she is there, but Legolas doesn't say anything. She gets mad, but since she is Aragorn's granddaughter she wants to see him and talk to him so she rides to Rohan.

When she gets there, they have lost Aragorn, and think he's dead, but she knows he's not dead because she's from the Other Place. She comforts Legolas who is upset over the loss of his friend and he kisses her, but they end up fighting again. She goes into the caves for the battle, where she sees Eowyn. After the battle, Legolas realizes he loves her, and they are about to get it on, but Linde falls asleep. Afterwards, she has lunch with Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas and she meets the king, Eomer and Eowyn. After lunch Gimli presses her for details about what happened with her and Legolas, but Aragorn smoothly intervenes. Legolas and her fight again because nothing happens.

Meanwhile, Eomer, who has fallen instantly in love with her, tries to make a move on her and it doesn't bother Legolas, which makes them fight again. She becomes friends with Eowyn.

They go to Edoras and Linde gets really drunk. She and Legolas finally have "their moment" and it is the most beautiful thing ever. After that, she rides with them to Dunharrow, where Eomer kisses her, and Eowyn gets mad at her because of it. She rides back to Homely Home with Elrond, where she meets his spawn.

Once Sauron's pansy jewelry is destroyed, she goes to Gondor where she sees Legolas and Eomer again. Legolas is still not jealous because he must have inherited some psychoses from his father. She might want to go home to the Other Place, but she also loves Legolas. Eomer urges her to stay too. They crown Aragorn their little king and she sees Legolas looking breathtaking. (Apparently psychoses are not the only thing he inherited.) Gratuitous Love Scene. (A/N: Well, maybe not gratuitous; I had to take a cold shower after I saw him at that coronation thing…) Legolas is infected with Sea Longing, so Linde freaks out and goes home to the Other Place.

Legolas comes to find her and they live happily ever after. In the Other Place. Far far away from Thranduil. And Thranduil never gets to see his precious son again.

The End.


	12. Epilogue

_Sauron_ _is looking over my shoulder, so this is probably going to be the last idea I can write here. I swear; he's such a baby. If I knew how much of a pain he was going to be, I would have told him where his stupid ring was so he could stay in Arda and leave me alone._

_Oh forget it. I can't think straight. I'd rather spend eternity with a certain Noldorin nutcase then here with this whiney ex-dark lord. Oh for pity's sake, Sauron..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The notebook just stops there. I hope you have all enjoyed the experience of reading this, and that you haven't been scarred for life by these awful story ideas.
> 
> Hugs and Cookies,  
> Arandil


End file.
